Counting down to 2013, its everyone’s ritual to write a summary of the year’s achievement or nothings. 2013 is spectacularly eventful and it felt important to mark down the occurrence.
I congratulate myself for moving off to a different company and taking up a different role in 2013. A brave step I took, as some could not understand why someone would leave a stronghold position, a reputable company to join a start-up. After you think too long about doing something challenging, you would kinda try not to do it or wiggle your way out of doing it. I had to before I backpedaling. Thus I took THE RISK, not sure if it would payoff eventually. Maybe the point was not at all about money. It was about wanting something new, about letting go, recognizing that the same old me, routine no longer worked, I had to do something different. To my ex-company, nobody is indispensable and I proved that to myself and learn it well. I am glad that my corporate maturity is setting in.
Letting go actually is easier when you are the choice-maker.
I took another leap of faith. I bought the most expensive thing I ever could afford in life or dream of owning. Thinking about it gets a cold chill running down my spine and I could almost remember cursing myself and thinking, this is the end of the bohemian thinker. I finally succumbed to the material dream of owning my single pad; a place to hide; to call my own; to be responsible for; to clean and do chores; to host my friends; to take in the homeless or heartbroken ones; to go home and fall asleep on the couches. But the moment of magic that made me want to do this was pivotal.
I fell in love at first sight with this physical space.
I formed a vision of me idling by the balcony sipping wine, with my favourite artworks and pictures on the walls, a fridge of my own stuffed with food that I like. It was rough doing the maths and convincing myself that I could afford it. With a very generous loan from The Parents, I gladly took up the offer and did the most (probably last time) fearless act of committing. For a commitment phobic, I almost thought I recovered. I don’t think so, still observing… I recognize that this means the beginning of the “end” that I shall have to skip the extravagant holidays until a rewarding occasion comes along. Till them, my purse strings shall be tight and I shall live like the sole breadwinner of 10 mouths.
The final thing was to contact the ex and arrange a meet up. It is like an old torn tissue that looks flawless on the surface. Wala! It does hurt when you force yourself to look into it. I honestly say to the someone who I could have loved longer,
I have had nothing left to lose after I lost you.
This was what took me years to admit. That I changed, that the relationship that failed did not only broke my heart, it broke a piece of me and I was never whole again. Everybody has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they were. Meeting the ex was difficult, not only because of the awkward silence. First you talk about what you do now, who you are/were dating, your family, your job, your colleagues, your nearer history in the last 3 years. The obvious avoidance of taboo topics such as what happened to us, how we couldn’t explain our own behavior then and how time’s passing had concealed the betrayal and feelings of hurt. I thought it best to let it become a social affair and inevitably consent to let it die a natural death by using social media updates to keep in touch. How did people who used to care so much for each other now turn into acquaintances who were a grade subtly better than strangers?
This is the irony of love at its worst.
This was an eventful 2013 that had some promises made to myself.
I was a better person because of the choices I made.
Since life doesn’t reward regrets, I wont be wasting my time anymore.
2014, please bring it on.